Sometimes you just have to say it out loud.
This is a non horse type blog tonight. You will see why in a moment. A tribute of sorts to someone I have loved and cherished.
Hmm, you say...now what does that mean? Say it out loud? Those of you that know me are thinking "I know exactly what she means"...but maybe not as much as you think.
I am known to be blunt, to the point, I don't like innuendo...I don't want to guess what is on your mind or to have to charm it out of you. I want you to say it out loud so that I can deal with it or I want to say it out loud and have you deal with it...if we have an issue, I want to know about it and I want to get it over with. However I realize that some folks don't like confrontation (too scary) and with great effort I have learned over the years to keep my load of bricks in my arms until it is safe to drop them. Bricks get heavy and cumbersome...you drop them on your feet...they make you sweat...sometimes it is too easy to drop them.
Life gives us lessons and shapes our rough edges. It is a work in progress for me. Sometimes I must clamp my hand firmly over my mouth...take my bricks and set them down. Practice...much practice...there is a time and a place... I say the word finesse over and over again and sometimes out loud.
But tonight what I really mean about sometimes you just have to say it out loud is this...
Say it out loud:
What you are good at
What you fear
Who you are
What you need
Who you want to be
Who you love
How you feel
What you believe in
What your hopes are
What you don't understand
Do you keep these thoughts to yourself, afraid to speak them out loud for fear of what other people might think or because you are afraid that someone might think you are weak?
Saying it out loud will give you strength and help you find courage...it will give someone else the ability to know you or to help you. Hear it in your mind, practice it a couple of times...then say it out loud.
I am afraid of...
I hope to...
I don't understand how to...
I am a good person
I am worth it
Few of us want to appear vulnerable, but vulnerability is what makes us human...what helps us to reach out to others, helps us love each other, helps us to take care of each other.
I write this blog this evening on the anniversary of my good friend's death. We had been friends since high school. Blue eyes, blonde hair...sweet personality...smart...good family.
She committed suicide two years ago. At the time I had no idea why...I never saw it coming. I was devastated and full of guilt,,how could I not have known...I was looking for answers and getting none...needing resolution and not finding any. I could not solve this, could not change it, could not fix it...Was she afraid of what my response would have been? Was I not listening? Had I been too busy? Was there anything I could have said or done or perhaps done better? I still really don't have all the answers. Two years later and it still cuts me to the bone. We had lunch one day on a beautiful afternoon, then we walked my dog in the park, we laughed until we cried about some old times...two days later she took her life...no words.
She was beautiful inside and out, we all loved her...but she could not, I guess, ask for help or say what was going wrong...and so help never came...what I would give now to have been the person she could have come to...life lessons for me the brick carrier.
Say it out loud so that others can hear you, so that you can hear yourself...You are not alone. Somewhere someone loves you tonight.