Carrying bricks

Sometimes you just have to say it out loud.

This is a non horse type blog tonight. You will see why in a moment. A tribute of sorts to someone I have loved and cherished.

Hmm, you say...now what does that mean? Say it out loud? Those of you that know me are thinking "I know exactly what she means"...but maybe not as much as you think.

I am known to be blunt, to the point, I don't like innuendo...I don't want to guess what is on your mind or to have to charm it out of you. I want you to say it out loud so that I can deal with it or I want to say it out loud and have you deal with it...if we have an issue, I want to know about it and I want to get it over with. However I realize that some folks don't like confrontation (too scary) and with great effort I have learned over the years to keep my load of bricks in my arms until it is safe to drop them. Bricks get heavy and cumbersome...you drop them on your feet...they make you sweat...sometimes it is too easy to drop them.

Life gives us lessons and shapes our rough edges. It is a work in progress for me. Sometimes I must clamp my hand firmly over my mouth...take my bricks and set them down. Practice...much practice...there is a time and a place... I say the word finesse over and over again and sometimes out loud.

But tonight what I really mean about sometimes you just have to say it out loud is this...

Say it out loud:

What you are good at
What you fear
Who you are
What you need
Who you want to be
Who you love
How you feel
What you believe in
What your hopes are
What you don't understand

Do you keep these thoughts to yourself, afraid to speak them out loud for fear of what other people might think or because you are afraid that someone might think you are weak?

Saying it out loud will give you strength and help you find courage...it will give someone else the ability to know you or to help you. Hear it in your mind, practice it a couple of times...then say it out loud.

I am afraid of...
I need...
I hope to...
I don't understand how to...
Help me...
I am a good person
I am worth it

Few of us want to appear vulnerable, but vulnerability is what makes us human...what helps us to reach out to others, helps us love each other, helps us to take care of each other.

I write this blog this evening on the anniversary of my good friend's death. We had been friends since high school. Blue eyes, blonde hair...sweet personality...smart...good family.

She committed suicide two years ago. At the time I had no idea why...I never saw it coming. I was devastated and full of guilt,,how could I not have known...I was looking for answers and getting none...needing resolution and not finding any. I could not solve this, could not change it, could not fix it...Was she afraid of what my response would have been? Was I not listening? Had I been too busy? Was there anything I could have said or done or perhaps done better? I still really don't have all the answers. Two years later and it still cuts me to the bone. We had lunch one day on a beautiful afternoon, then we walked my dog in the park, we laughed until we cried about some old times...two days later she took her life...no words.

She was beautiful inside and out, we all loved her...but she could not, I guess, ask for help or say what was going wrong...and so help never came...what I would give now to have been the person she could have come to...life lessons for me the brick carrier.

Say it out loud so that others can hear you, so that you can hear yourself...You are not alone. Somewhere someone loves you tonight.

Sunday morning guest blog

I promised to make Briann famous and here is her own Sunday morning blog. I am getting ready to travel to get Sully and attend obedience.

Thanks Briann!

Here you go:

Horses, Rescue, and Volunteering

by Briann S.

Horses... I could go on and on about them but I promise to keep it to a limit.

Horses to me are very important, for both life skills and companionship. The horses in my life are like my best friends, they are always there when I need them and I can talk to them, as long as I continue to feed them they will continue to listen! I'm sure most of what I say goes in one ear and out the other but sometimes its nice just to talk, let it out,you know? when I first arrived at Pony Up, Rosemary showed me Rio, I almost IMMEDIATELY fell in love, and when I turned around I suddenly felt something heavy on my shoulder, what do ya know, it was Rio! He rested his head gently on my shoulder, since then we have been BEST FRIENDS!!!

Rescuing...well I don't have much to say on this topic. But I can say that since we got the Arabs my dad, Rosemary and Page have really opened my eyes and taught me about tough love. It's a big part of life, and nine months ago I did not understand how important that is in life. You have to be able to understand when you rescue a horse you have to know what ever decisions you make, whether it's giving a horse away or sending a horse to those green meadows of eternal life, that they will always remember you as their life saver and care giver! Rosemary and Page have taught me so much,they are my inspiration!

Volunteering... Hmm... Well, I think volunteering is something you should want to do not be forced into it or do it because you will benefit from it in some greedy way.I always feel really good when I volunteer to do something, whether it's something as small as helping some one across the road or as big as donating money to a good cause. I love helping at Pony Up, I love the people, the horses, and the environment around me! Volunteering is a wonderful feeling at least I think, and at the end of the day I love to sit back and think how I have helped some one or something that day.

Saturday comes and goes...

We got a lot of work done today.

More boards put on the loafing shed.

Fence repaired with new post,

Roof on loafing shed waterproofed.

New gate installed on Winston's paddock.

Paddocks picked.

Water tanks cleaned and relocated.

Rio got a spa treatment from Briann.

We had a deer come to see us this morning......mommy and her baby........they watched us a while. I tried to get a picture, but could not sneak up on them. ...not ninja enough I guess.

Tomorrow I go and get Sully. I also have dog obedience so I will take the trailer to the Jones Farm, go to obedience and then go back and collect Sully. FUN!

Must eat dinner....more later.

Friday night

Hey, do I only have eight people reading this?! I endeavor to make it interesting and compelling...are there only eight of you listening?

Oh, well, it could be worse. I could be only writing to the walls so I am glad to write to eight of you if that is what my audience consists of in number. I am going to do something fun...I am asking my young teenage assistant Briann to write something for the blog tomorrow...something about horses and rescue and volunteering...how about it Briann? email it to me and I will make you famous! (with eight people!)

Hamilton looks better today and certainly feels better. I will get pictures tomorrow. Rio has bite marks all over him from Ollie, but you cannot separate them because they both scream and run the fence line. Go figure. Horse brains...small and complicated.

Everyone likes the new hay and it is going fast! There is currently no wasted hay, they eat every bite...that is how it should work, don't you think?

Tomorrow- lots of work. Wash the horse trailer, put up fencing for Sully, move stall mats into the new shed, put some more boards up on the new shed and did I mention that a couple of particular bay geldings chewed the boards? It looks like a pack of wild beavers have been visiting...really. I have to replace a board that is brand new.

We will lunge Rio again tomorrow and ride him a little, perhaps put some cavalletti poles up...keep your fingers crossed. I will also lunge Winston and I am sure that will be fun and tiresome (for me).

We are asked today to help a gelding at WSU...a bay TB no less. 16H, 6 years old. scheduled for experimentation at the vet school...no one wants that...his caretakers love him and report him to be a sweetheart. The vet school will sell him for 150 dollars...we need help to get him to safety. If you can help financially or if you can take him in...e-mail me? anything will help.

Have a great evening!