Monday, June 29, 2009

Carrying bricks

Sometimes you just have to say it out loud.

This is a non horse type blog tonight. You will see why in a moment. A tribute of sorts to someone I have loved and cherished.

Hmm, you what does that mean? Say it out loud? Those of you that know me are thinking "I know exactly what she means"...but maybe not as much as you think.

I am known to be blunt, to the point, I don't like innuendo...I don't want to guess what is on your mind or to have to charm it out of you. I want you to say it out loud so that I can deal with it or I want to say it out loud and have you deal with it...if we have an issue, I want to know about it and I want to get it over with. However I realize that some folks don't like confrontation (too scary) and with great effort I have learned over the years to keep my load of bricks in my arms until it is safe to drop them. Bricks get heavy and drop them on your feet...they make you sweat...sometimes it is too easy to drop them.

Life gives us lessons and shapes our rough edges. It is a work in progress for me. Sometimes I must clamp my hand firmly over my mouth...take my bricks and set them down. Practice...much practice...there is a time and a place... I say the word finesse over and over again and sometimes out loud.

But tonight what I really mean about sometimes you just have to say it out loud is this...

Say it out loud:

What you are good at
What you fear
Who you are
What you need
Who you want to be
Who you love
How you feel
What you believe in
What your hopes are
What you don't understand

Do you keep these thoughts to yourself, afraid to speak them out loud for fear of what other people might think or because you are afraid that someone might think you are weak?

Saying it out loud will give you strength and help you find will give someone else the ability to know you or to help you. Hear it in your mind, practice it a couple of times...then say it out loud.

I am afraid of...
I need...
I hope to...
I don't understand how to...
Help me...
I am a good person
I am worth it

Few of us want to appear vulnerable, but vulnerability is what makes us human...what helps us to reach out to others, helps us love each other, helps us to take care of each other.

I write this blog this evening on the anniversary of my good friend's death. We had been friends since high school. Blue eyes, blonde hair...sweet family.

She committed suicide two years ago. At the time I had no idea why...I never saw it coming. I was devastated and full of guilt,,how could I not have known...I was looking for answers and getting none...needing resolution and not finding any. I could not solve this, could not change it, could not fix it...Was she afraid of what my response would have been? Was I not listening? Had I been too busy? Was there anything I could have said or done or perhaps done better? I still really don't have all the answers. Two years later and it still cuts me to the bone. We had lunch one day on a beautiful afternoon, then we walked my dog in the park, we laughed until we cried about some old times...two days later she took her words.

She was beautiful inside and out, we all loved her...but she could not, I guess, ask for help or say what was going wrong...and so help never came...what I would give now to have been the person she could have come lessons for me the brick carrier.

Say it out loud so that others can hear you, so that you can hear yourself...You are not alone. Somewhere someone loves you tonight.


Drillrider said...

I have been reading your blog and thus far, have been a lurker but..

This brought tears to my eyes. My sister committed suicide when I was 17 year's old, she was 24. She had gotten involved in various forms of drugs, stripping, bisexuality, various men / women, and was generally confused about life. She was a nurse and was caught stealing drugs from the hospital pharmacy. Her nursing license was suspended. At the time she was on anti-depressants so she took the whole bottle. We thought that it was a cry for help more than anything because her roommate was at a regular appointment that typically took one hour. However, he decided to do other errands and was gone for 3 hours this fateful day. When he arrived, she was having convulsions and was unconscious. She died on the way to the hospital in the ambulance and never regained consciousness again. Her brain had no function and our family decided to take her off life support after a week in the hospital. The sad ending to the story was that when our family went through her belongings, she had received a letter in the mail reinstating her nursing license. I guess the moral to this story is hang on to "hope".....your rainbow just may right around the corner!

Pony Up Rescue for Equines said...

Thank you for your note. The suicide of a loved one is something that stays with us for life.....hopefully we can get through it with some help from each other and saying out loud how we feel.

Thanks for sharing.

Drillrider said...

It hurts less now, but at first there were lots of tears, not understanding why? She was so talented and such a wonderful artist. She loved horses, though she never owned one. My parents wouldn't buy one and she never purchased one as an adult, but she would draw them (every muscle) drawing them fighting with all the details. I often wish that I had some of those drawings. I don't know what happened to them though.

She played the flute beautifully and could take jingles off TV and play them. She even played the "flight of the bumble bee". Anyone into music will know that is quite an accomplishment. She transferred her flute talent to the oboe and picallo as well. They say that sometimes the most talented are also the most tortured of people. I don't know if that's true but I didn't understand being so hopeless as to take your own life.

Tomorrow is always another day and usually things look darkest before the dawn and was true in my sister's case. If only she had waited for dawn to arrive!

So now, for me to own and enjoy horses is bittersweet. I also loved horses as a child but saw my sister's unfruitful efforts to get my parents to buy a horse. She would cut out ads from the paper and tape them to dad's coffee can.

We grew up on a farm and my dad raised hay and grain for the cows and we had more than one barn. It wouldn't have taken much to have a horse, but my dad continually refused, saying they were too dangerous.

However, he did buy the boys a motorcycle and within a week my brother had a broken collar bone?

So anyone out there reading this and your children show a passion for horses, find a way to buy them is important and a passion for horses doesn't go away. I had a passion for them as a child and I own and love them now.

So, when I have a particularly successful ride I say to myself.........

"This is for you Sis, wish were here to enjoy the horses with me"!