Saturday...we cleaned stalls, filled waters, mounted a couple of gates, blew the barn aisle out and moved horses around to accommodate the brush cutter and Junah's homecoming.
The brushcutter was brought in by Jason (he is our hero) and he spent all day cutting into the dense brush of the woods, so that we can make an extra paddock for the evil Beaver pony. We are so thankful for the hard work and effort! The brushcutter will now allow us to enlarge the arena and make a new paddock for Beaver.
Meanwhile I went and got Junah from Chelsea's, so that we can have him buried at the farm. He deserves that. I also took Yukon to Chelsea so that she can put him on a diet and exercise program, as apparently I am unable to get any weight OFF of him! He traveled without a fuss and when he got to Chelsea's, he simply unloaded and went onto the pasture and started eating...such a low drama boy he is. Then we loaded the very handsome Junah into the trailer, he loaded fairly well after a little coaxing...he has come to love Chelsea and wants to please her, so he is fairly willing to do what she asks him. We shut the divider on him and then hit the road. He was a pill for about 10 miles...kicking and moving, swaying the trailer like crazy and I had a few thoughts of turning around. I don't mind my trailer being kicked but I did worry about him falling or scrambling. Fortunately he settled down and we got home, unloaded him and let him explore the paddock and arena turnout.
I have not spent a lot of time with Junah, even though I was the one who "nodded" and brought him into the fold. After I got him home today, his physical disabilities became very obvious. He cannot lay down. He was sweaty and he really wanted to roll, but he simply cannot lay down. ...he tried and he tried. He squealed his displeasure, he pawed, he got on his knees...but he could not lay down. My heart sunk and tears welled up. I have not had to spend time with him,I spent time with him the day he was picked up, but he went directly to Chelsea's... I have not really fallen in love with him like Chelsea...but I did today. I was hoping for a miracle of sorts. I thought I would drag my feet on the euthanasia. I talk a big show...but my heart is perhaps more fragile than most, even if I am not willing to show it. He is so handsome, such a love...but so physically incapacitated. Hard choices, hard decisions...but I remember responsibility and commitment...I remember rational love. This is a time for rational love...and so I will make the arrangements and we will all be there for him, for his last moments, to send him with love and soft words...to a place where we hope he can be free of the physical trappings of this world...we will see him again...on the other side.
I surely figure that on some days, on some level, I am crazy. Crazy to ask for this heartache...crazy to take on such a task.
I will make the arrangements for this coming week. I will steel my emotions to the outside world and I will say that it must be done, no more wishy washy thoughts...we have had a work up...and then I will stand with him,I will thank the vet, I will thank the grave digger... then I will go and grieve by myself. I will cry for a long while and wish I could change what was and then know that I couldn't. Junah, we hardly got to know you before we said goodbye.
hug your horse today.