Solemnly Saturday

Very tired this morning.......wanted to sleep in longer....wanted to drink more coffee and linger around the house a little......but horses are waiting, chickens are waiting.....barn cat wants out......I have to get up and get going.

Today is an anniversary day of My friend Chris A's death. Chris and I worked together for 26 years. Chris died three years ago of brain cancer. I don't know why......I don't understand why......I can't make judgement calls any more for how folks deal with the oncoming death of a loved one.........I will say I was full of anger at the time. Chris was married, had two children.....his cancer diagnosis was sudden. He underwent a 16 hour surgery for 5 brain tumors. He had the best doctors and the most current procedures for the battle against brain cancer. Sadly the surgery was not successful and the next treatment was radiation, which could leave him mentally incapcitated or partially paralzyed.......or.......? Completely unknown. It was his only chance and so he went for it. It left him paralyzed on one side and then he began to have seizures.......which meant the tumors were growing again. His wife had the paramedics come and get him......he went to the hospital and then to a hospice. She never saw him again....but I did. I went every day to feed him and to talk to him...I played CD's for him and I told him bad jokes. The nurses were literally angels....so very kind. They called me with questions about his medications and I met with them each day to get the day's information. I helped bathe him and fed him ice cream. I listened to him speak about angels and devils. I held his hand and I told him he needed to let go. I was with him when he died and I held his hand the entire time and encouraged him to "go". His wife never showed up. I held a funeral memorial for him and gathered his friends......such a big life.......such a comedian.........such a softie.......I still expect him to this day to call me or show up in my office....out of the blue, with his crooked smile........saying "hey Rosemary?".........
One of our favorite songs to play was by Snow Patrol (Chasing Cars) and I cannot help but think of it as Chris' song now whenever I hear it. I listened to it this morning and wept a little.
Chris.......we miss you and think of you often.

We got a lot of work done today. All of the arena fencing is up...the old stuff down........and it looks wonderful. Thank you everyone who helped.