I second guess myself. I am a person who listens to her instincts. Some people call it your "innate" being...... I believe my instincts are generally sound and I get into trouble when I second guess them. Still it is hard....there are outside opinions to listen to, there are articles to read on particular subjects, there is emotion weighing in, there is logic to define situational reaction, .........there is "what feels comfortable and safe",,,there is what is easiest to do......I can get distracted ..and so in the end I try to block out all of the white noise from my mind and just make a decision.
Decisions are sometimes gut wrenching.
in the rescue business you decide to end a life and it feels like playing God..........you wish someone else could take this away......do something, fix something........change something....and then you realize ...there is only you.......no one is going to come galloping up on a white stallion.
Outsiders may never see how hard it is.
I keep a tough exterior to most of the world and I cry in private.
But........I carry my grief around and it gets heavy sometimes.........I might say to my very closest friend that I have a lot of unresolved grief...my dad's death, the death of friends, the death of a horse I have loved.......... I never get rid of it....never found a way to erase the hurt. You always read that time heals but does it really? no.......some things can never heal.
The death part always make me want to stop....stop rescuing because I know there is always going to be death to deal with. I hate that part. I want the roses, symphony music ending.
So I will add to my backpack of grief tomorrow. I am of course, feeling melancholy and tense about Mercy. I steel myself against thinking about it during the day....and when I get to the barn, I am confronted with reality. I have a living, breathing horse in my barn who will die tomorrow and I will deliver her.
Humans have continually failed her and now it seems I will have also. I have healed her starving body but have not healed her wounded spirit.
God speed Mercy and may you find something better than you had here on earth.
Pony Up fortune for tomorrow:
The silence is deafening when you ask the question.