Toss and turn Tuesday

I didn't sleep well last night. I got up several times, took the dogs out.....surveyed the moon in the west of the sky, along the treeline.........pale as blue cheese, with a perfect ring of fir boughs around it.......I wished I could take a picture as it was so perfect looking...like something you see in a magazine.
I checked email........I made coffee.......took an advil.........heated a rice bag and finally slept around 4am.
I got up at 5:15, put the dogs out again, fed everyone, made toast......put some laundry in.....and dreaded going to the barn. But to the barn I went at 6 thirty......it was eerily quiet..no one called to me........no horse noise.......no Jake. I choked back a few tears and got through the feeding, then cleaned TarBaby's stall and paddock. It is so quiet, I think that perhaps we are all feeling the same thing. The horses in the upper paddocks watched the euthanization yesterday......they stood a distance away......a polite distance and they were quiet in their watching. I had Kim try to distract them, but I think they knew.
This rescue business is Russian Roulette.......save one and he goes to a new home where he is a superstar and your heart swells with pride...........save another and he has been so abused or injured that the kindest thing you can do is to euthanize him and your heart breaks in two.
We have euthanized five horses in a year. I hate that part....really hate it. I try to focus on the good...........but somedays the good is hard to find........even still I go on and try to continue to do some good......for someone........somewhere. When I think I have not made much of a difference I still remember the starfish story and it comforts me a little.
We have a waiting list at the barn......a waiting list of folks who cannot for some reason keep their old horse or young horse or sick horse.....I have a hard time prioritizing........I get caught up in emotion. I am a sucker for old horses....but a starving horse too. oh and if you tell me it is a Thoroughbred........I love them best...............BUT....BUT.............We are full right now even with Jake's death. We have some very adoptable horses who must be placed first.
Sully, Breeze, Yukon, Vinnie...... and then we can think about who can come into the fold.
I must be responsible as well as compassionate. I don't know how larger rescues do it.....so much work everyday......I can hardly keep up somedays even with help.....and we have less than ten horses. The manure never stops.

Again, today I will take the time to thank our volunteers.......people who give up their time for the love of a few horses. As well, I thank our veterinarians, the feed stores and others who send help our way. We depend on you and your kindness. Thank you.

Kim and I have worked on fencing in the barn paddocks with no climb fence and I have to say............IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD. We do good work. We will fence in the filly's paddock next and a couple of short stretches around the out buildings.......we look like a real horse farm........it is coming together....by this summer.........voila..........maybe we will finally be DONE!

We are working on a grant to help us replace the arena fencing..........we need 35 posts and three rolls of non climb......as well as some sand footing.........we are hopeful!

A refreshing change of weather today.........it felt like spring. A walk around the farm and I noticied budding trees........the rhubarb is starting to come up, clumps of daisies are starting to sprout......is winter over?

Pony Up fortune for tomorrow:

Hug the monster and he will become less monstrous.