Sunday brings Sun

I got up early, made coffee, let dogs out, started some laundry going, pulled a coat on and headed to the barn. It was still sort of dark, that inbetween color that if you had just awoken it would be hard to tell if it was dawn or dusk. I drove along the road to the barn, sort of anxious, sort of not.........worried about what I might find with Hammy.
I pulled into the drive and counted heads as I pulled up to the barn........no Hammy in sight. Good that I didn't see him outside laying down.........but I still swallowed hard in the fact that he wasn't looking for me.
I let chickens out, I let barn cats out.......turned the lights on, turned the charger off......entered the barn.
I heard Hammy's low and anxious whinny........he was hungry. I walked down and turned more lights on, getting a good look at him. He was alert and bright eyed, and again telling me that he was hungry. Of course he was........he hadn't eaten any hay. I ran my hand across his muzzle and felt his jaw.......mandibular joint swollen and hot. Poor Hammy.
Winston grabbed at my jacket, letting me know that I had better get busy with serving the morning grub.
I put Hammy's together first............senior grain, rice bran, a little oats, some sunflower seeds, beet pulp and then added some heated some water in it.........then I stirred it with my hand and took it to him. He whinnied in delight and impatience........he pawed and kicked his wall. I poured it in his grain bin and he immediately went to work on it.
His stall was gross, so I got a fork and started cleaning it while I listened to him slurp and windsuck..........windsuck and slurp. His windsucking was a little off his normal bite/slurp/inhale........he was not doing it as hard.....because his jaw hurt him. I feel a little miserable. I feel a little guilty.
I moved on to the filly's paddock and then Church's stall........then Ollie's.........got everyone fed and cleaned. I go back to Hammy and remove his blanket as it is warming up and I think it will stay nice all day.....too nice to be blanketed.
I go home to take a shower and run some errands, but come back in the early afternoon to do some chores around the barn.
Hammy still has not touched his hay....he is standing in his stall where he has peed about 15 gallons. He cannot be coaxed outside.
I get to work on his paddock..........I put down geo fabric and then haul about ten wheelbarrow loads of gravel to place on top of it. Ten wheelbarrow loads about do me in..........but I spread it and then box it in with timbers so it will stay in place.
Hammy comes out of his stall and stands in the gravel, staring at me.
I go over and pet his ears and he stands like a dog.......puts his face into my chest and holds it there.
I rub his head and wipe his eyes off.......he sighs.
I think he knows.
I feel old and sad...and helpless.

I need to drive back into town and get some pellets for bedding, then come back and meet a new volunteer late afternoon.
I drive and I think.
I think about why horses touch your heart and how sometimes they break your heart or how you might just be responsible for breaking your own heart.
I try to think about why and when and how........and my emotional mind says put it off.........my logical mind says do it tomorrow.
Never an easy way.
You can't shut your eyes and wish it away.